Hulk vs. Pussy

I hate anti-comformists. In a city that has one of the highest 3G penetration rates in the world and generally a very tech accepting population, I still come across a lot of people very resistant to the iPhone. And despite what I consider a very thorough education campaign to ease the legitimate concerns – there is still an incredible amount of skepticism or stubbornness. Having said that, it is still a very expensive piece of technology despite prices coming down by about 20%. But there is tremendous satisfaction. So I’ll just say this once: 1) the keyboard is very easy to use, because of its predictive programming. You just need to mash the word in to the keyboard with approximate accuracy. Fat fingers are fine. 2) You can personalize it with cool decals – the same thick stickers you see on cars. Gelaskins is my favorite, because the promoted artists do gorgeous and cool work, the material and adhesive of the decal is done by 3m, but they do take 2 weeks to ship because they’re made in Canada. You can find them at Windsor House in Causeway, but they’re substantially more expensive at around HK$260 a piece. 3) You can play facebook poker from your iPhone. The app is called Live Poker.

Different players, different game. I think one of the more important life lessons I’ve learnt is that everyone, while made equal, none of us are interchangeable. That goes for approach kung fu as well. Bruce had it right for the start, I think. Jeet-Kun do is in fact an illustration of how there is no set way, that each fighter must develop his or her own optimum technique based on their own physiology, temperament, and spot progress. Some are team players, and some aren’t. Even within a team, players differ in strategy. Cyclops has ranged attack but vulnerable in close quarters. Colossus, on the other hand, needs to get up close and personal - low mobility but high impact in the hand-to-hand. They compliment each other, and there is a clear synergy. And then, there are players whom you need to have around, just because they have that something about them, that special power that attracts pure action. They come alive at the tipping point of devastation, and are often perceived as both pacifying and volatile – but never at the same time. Rarely troublesome in sober environments, their status is binary – On or OFF. Blue Chip Rock solid or Chuck Norris Nuclear. Nothing in between.

In my current team, the Hulk, is one such character. A respected lawyer, he is well liked for his antics, sharp tongue, and blatant disregard for impudent AMOGs and half-baked Cockblocks. He is cultured, musically talented, and immensely knowledgeable. He finds tremendous satisfaction driving his body TO the limit – HIT the limit, and then he’ll go another 50 miles, burn down a forest, and jump naked into an arctic lake – all just to scratch an itch on his balls. He is carnal but an inborn sense of justice makes him a protective friend and an explosive catalyst for ‘Yo, this shit is going DOWN!’

Strangely, women feel safe around him because of this. And because he’s an animal, they can spot him from afar. They sniff him out from across the room, track him down, coil up in heated anticipation and pounce on him, just like them crazy ass hyenas in Lion King.

So it's not surprising, his game appears to be far more successful in the absence of his crew than attacking alongside us. And just like in the movie, we’ve discovered that the best way to make use of the Hulk is to use him like a godamn pussybomb. We have a recipe, but this is a work in progress:

Recipe for 1 Hulk Pussybomb.

1. Drag your Hulk to a dark corner,
2. Stuff him in a large container – a cage will do,
3. Inject him with a tray of jager bombs,
4. Instruct the resident DJ to turn up the volume and play Kanye’s ,“Stronger,”
5. Rattle the fucking cage
6. Lob the now enraged, drunken motherfucker it into the zone with the most pussy-per-square-inch. Period.
7. Wait for the first scream, and count to 15.
   

We did this a few months ago, just for kicks, the asshole came back with a truckload of collateral damage, he had panties coming out of his ears; and there was so much lipstick on his face, he looked like he’d been angel kissing the Brazilian volleyball team on Japanese Flag Day. “Candy, Rose, Amber, Jessica, and I think your name is Cindy – let me introduce you to my good friends; they're arms dealers by day and dildo models by night.” Team fucking player. When asked how he met them, there was some story about snapping some asshole’s neck, getting asked about his gold Roger Dubois while he was attempting a one-handed "through-the-fabric" bra-snap. Unstoppable.

My point is this: Every team needs a Hulk, whether your strategy is light recon or structured pawning. Having them around certainly entails pricing in a high risk of bar fights, but because of they have the special ability to somehow turn everything fucking upside down when you least suspect it – a complete waste of a night can just as easily turn into a brilliant one. They have a mutable role of being the brains during delecate negotiations and the brawn during heated pissing contests. But they tend to dramatically improve your chances of a Hail Mary score.

Phalimus out.

1:00 am Real estate

The importance of positioning. I am a firm believer in perpetual movement - in any event, any venue. Bars are an older crowd favorite because it typically relieves older (at heart) drinkers the secret shame of being just that - old at heart. It's either that, or they really don't feel comfortable around crazy hot young co-eds on summer vacation; that's what they tell me, and I suspect they're gay. (Having said that, I'll probably get to that point one day when I start binging on congnac and Bugles.) But for the rest of us, it's important we keep moving. Otherwise, we get stale, conversations start repeating themselves sounding like exasperated scripts from highschool, "what do you wanna do?""I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?""I dunno, wanna shoot some pool? Streetfighter?"*sigh* "Mmmk. Fine."

I don't particularly like anchoring myself to one end of the bar or on the dancefloor for too long, but I must admit that there are certain parcels of venue I consider prime real estate. It's not at all unlike picking good Koh Samui real estate; beach front, sea view, main road access, and close to the airport. In clubs, it's usually bar front, a decent dancefloor view, not too crowded, and close to the washroom or exit. At Prive, this would be the at the very end of the long bar facing the dancefloor. I notice we naturlly stay clear from the corners because they brush up against the heavy bottleneck traffic on both lengths of the bar. After 1am, unless you've already rooted yourself against the marble, you're pretty much left crowd surfing and armpit sniffing atleast until they've finished the 8th rotation of Rob Sinclair's "World. Hold on."

I actually really like the upper deck bar. It has a great view and very personal service. Unfortunately, it's just too small, and the flow is so bad, they usually assign a traffic cop (ie bouncer) just to keep the stairway clear. He even get his own flash like, "Xcuse me, sir. Keep moving please. ok la." *flash flash flash.* The front of the long bar, just as you come through the door, is actually not bad - full view of the other patrons, and quick access to the exit. The problem is that it's a trek to get to the washroom from 1am to 3am. Moreover, since it really is AT the entrance, I actually feel like I'm stuck in the lobby - just like those 2006 China Ipo cocktails - I have fight the uncomfortable urge to mingle with the other newcomers, squinting into the light every time the door opens like I'm trying to make out their name card. "Hi, my name is..."

I've only recently started visiting Billion, but I have a better impression of the club than I did my first visit a few months ago. In this case, there are two bars: an Eastern bar nestled by the entrance next to the veranda, and there's a second bar lodged in the Western Corner. The first 5 minutes of entering a club, most people do a 'look-see.' After checking their coats and bags, they do a full walk around the club pretending they're looking for someone, but really they're checking out the meat and building an initial crowd sense. It's like the first hand in poker - alot of sniffing going on. After that, 9 out of 10 kids end up BACK at the Easter bar. It's like there's a sense of closure, and they feel comfortable coming back to that bar. There's actually plenty of space througout the club, especially on the west side. But the bottleneck always builds up along the Eastern bar. I did the same thing on my first visit, and found it difficult to anchor - simply because the dancefloor traffic was rubbing up against too close to the bar traffic. If you've ever been to Beijing club, think back to the 1st floor main bar, that spot that bar space that joins the dance floor? Same thing. You can't breathe. (The second floor is a writeoff, since there's rarely any traffic; the over-the-danceloor balcony is a waste, since the right angle gives you a great view of their scalp, but you can forget about facial recognition).

At Bilion, the Western bar with the frontal exposure to the dance floor. That's a very special area and it's quickly becoming a personal favorite. Unlike the Eastern front, there's alot of space to dance, order drinks, and a full view of the dance floor. You have your choice of opening a set either by the bar or on the floor. Very accessible. There's still booth property readily available if you wanna splash, but you generally get very high value for your buck hanging around the bar. And there's less temptation to wander back to the eastern bar, because EVERYONE does the look-see. They come to you. Just like Genki-sushi (sushi on a conveyor belt). The best part? There's a secret door beside that opens up to the main corridor RIGHT beside the coat check. Score.